depressed man sitting alone

I apologised for being poor

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I am not the worst of people in the world. In fact, I think I am a decent individual when it comes to the area of caring for other human beings. I fall deeply when in love, and hurt badly when disappointed. But I take the disappointment thing a little too far.

I loved a girl once. Very much. Well she loved me before I loved her. I mean, she wanted me and she got me. And boy did she get me. It was beautiful, and so was she. That was the problem. She was way out of my league and every day I woke up in wonder, pinching myself, asking how I got to be with her. I never realised my own worth. She was the centre of my universe and I was fortunate to have her.

When I look back now, I realise she was not that amazing. By no stretch does she count as the best I ever had. She was just another girl with a pretty face. She had a nice ass I will give her that! And some great tits too! But apart from that, she was just another girl. She did not come from a wealthy family. She was not by any means an influential figure. She was just the world to me, and that is what made the difference.

I will give her credit though! She was innovative. Every one of our dates was a fond memory. I love the way she used to freshen up when I came over. She knew just how I loved her. She made sure I got what I loved. And on my first visit to her, she gave me great head. It is quite hard to forget that day, I am sure you can imagine. She rode me like rodeo. Never short of any freaky action, she’s the only woman I got to truffle butter with. When I was with her I surely got my naughty on.

But she was abusive, emotionally! Each time she felt like it, she could make me feel like a piece of shit. And her sharp tongue made sure she is the only woman I almost physically abused my whole life. Thank God she ran fast that day. In retrospect, it is all because she never felt good about herself. So she made sure the next person felt like shit all the time. Back then I thought she was mine for life, but now I realise it would have been the worst way to spend this one lifetime.

I love to hate her. Because out of all of her below human moments, she made me feel bad for choices I never made. Nobody chooses to be born poor, or average. We all wish to be born into money. And being black, we probably don’t have that money. But the few that have it make sure the rest of us feel like shit because we do not. And they do not do this on purpose, but it is transitive. And this case, the transitive nature of feeling like shit because I am poor came though my queen. Yes I call her that, because that is what she was to me. A Queen.

Her bohemian rhapsody told of how she killed my confidence and self-worth. So badly I would apologise to her. Apologise for the wrong choices I never made. Apologise for her fucking other men, because they had money and I did not. Apologise for walking her down the streets and not driving her instead. Apologise for not having the sex drive of a horse on Viagra. She made apologise for being poor. And the day I stopped apologizing, she left to find another victim.

One comment

  1. This, sadly, reminds me of the old adage “Hurt people hurt people”. But that’s no excuse. Everybody is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind.

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